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Mass Effect Holiday Humor

Brought to you by various Something Awful forums members!

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How Zaeed Stole Christmas
By Cheap Vodka
Shepard, I ever tell you about the time I stole Christmas? Grab some eggnog and sit down. Guddamn good story.

We got hired to hit this little colony in the Terminus systems on Christmas Eve. Whoville or something. I can't remember. Anyway, the crazy bastard didn't want us to kill anyone. Just take their presents and leave. I thought he was out of his guddamn mind, but credits are credits.

My men and I get down to the planet, and the whole town is asleep. We split up and infiltrate the houses. Figure we can get in, grab the presents, and leave before anyone's the wiser. It's all going well and we've hit half the town when some damn kid wakes up and sees us. Little bastard was screaming bloody murder and he wakes up the rest of the neighborhood. They don't take too kindly to us stealing and they start shooting. My men return fire and the whole thing becomes a guddamn bloodbath. There are bodies and broken decorations and flaming Christmas trees all over the place. I grab as much loot as I can carry and get the hell out of there. Even though it all went to hell I still managed to get paid.

Spent the next day watching Christmas vids and drinking ryncol to celebrate a job well done. My heart grew three guddamn sizes it did.

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Shepard the Human Spectre
By Barudak
Listen to Haledjian sing it!
You know Nihlus and Saren
and Vasir and Blasto
but do you recall
the most famous Spectre of all?

Shepard the human spectre
He was very renegade
And if you ever cross him
You'd wind up being slayed

All of the other races
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Shepard
Dismiss any of their claims

Then one foggy Geth Attack
The Council came to say
"Shepard with your [hook] so right
won't you kill the Geth tonight?"

Then all the races loved him
As they shouted out with glee
Shepard the human spectre
you'll go down in history

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Cerberus is Coming to Town
By Moosecaboose
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Cerberus is coming to town
They're making a fist
Against alien mice
Find some Batarians and put them on ice
Cerberus is coming to town
TIM sees you when you're sleeping
TIM knows when you're awake
He paid for everything under your hood
And he probably made a mistake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Cerberus is coming to town

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Joy to the Galaxy
By Saeka
Joy to the galaxy! The Spectre is come.
Let citadel receive her Geth
Let every heart
Prepare Them room
And Salarians and asari sing
And Salarians and asari sing
And Salarians and Salarians and asari sing

Joy to the galaxy, the Sovereign reigns
Let Spectres their songs employ
While moons and flags
Asteroids, planets and ships
Repeat the coming doom
Repeat the coming doom
Repeat, Repeat, the coming doom

Joy to the galaxy with shadow and fear
And makes the world prove
The glories of their righteousness
And wonders of Their plan
And wonders of Their plan
And wonders and wonders of Their plan

No more will sin and sorrow grow,
Nor biologicals infest the ground;
They'll come and make the blood flow
Far as the curse was found,
Far as the curse was found,
Far as, far as the curse was found.

Joy to the galaxy with shadow and fear
And makes the world prove
The glories of their righteousness
And wonders of Their plan
And wonders of Their plan
And wonders and wonders of Their plan

Run! Run in the Most High,
While Reapers spread abroad
Like stars that glitter in the sky,
And ever fear Harbringer,
And ever fear Harbringer,
And ever, and ever fear Harbringer.

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I want a brand new Normandy for Christmas
by Barudak
I want a brand new Normandy for Christmas
Only a brand new Normandy will do
Don't want a gun, no model ship or toy
I want a brand new Normandy to pilot and enjoy

I want a brand new Normandy for Christmas
I don't think Cerberus will mind, do you?
TIM won't have to use our filled email queue
Just call him on the ansible,
that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a Norman Battle standing there

I want a brand new Normandy for Christmas
Only a brand new Normandy will do
No Ain Jalut, no Ascension of Destiny
I only like a brand new Normandy
And brand new Normandy likes me too

(Short Music Interlude)

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian

(Short Music Interlude)

There's lots of room for him in our two-ship hangar
I'd fuel him there and wash him there and give him his upgrade

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a Norman Battle standing there

I want a brand new Normandy for Christmas
Only a brand new Normandy will do
No Ain Jalut or Ascension of Destiny
I only like a brand new Normandy
And brand new Normandy likes me too!


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